If you are suffering in a relationship and know that something has to change, this interview may be what inspires you to take the first step towards reclaiming your life, your power and your light.
Lis Hoyte was in a coercive controlling relationship for 18 years until she broke free in 2019 and utterly transformed her life in the process. Now she dedicates her life to educating and supporting others who are ready to do the same.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that someone uses to gain power and control over somebody else. It is a cycle of behaviour. Basically the person is coerced into doing things they don’t want to do. It can be challenging to recognise the abuse as it doesn’t happen all the time. It is insidious in nature. A person can actually end up gaslighting themselves. One minute there may be love bombing and then exertion of control. The goal posts keep changing so that the person never knows where they stand. They end up doubting themselves and their sanity, to the point of breakdown. It is severely damaging as the behaviour often goes unseen to those around the person.
I resonate with every word Lis says. Although I did not experience 18 years of this type of relationship, I have experienced controlling, abusive behaviour in some personal relationships and in work, although I didn’t recognise it at the time. I think it is almost impossible not to have had this experience at some point in your life.
We are living in a world where abuses of power and manipulation are rife. As Lis explains, it happens on many levels, from systems and agencies of support, to the micro of our daily lives.
Building confidence to break free
”If you are in this situation personally, it’s about reclaiming something for yourself. It’s about little by little building confidence so that eventually you are strong enough to leave” Lis offers. There needs to be a new response and the person has to do the inner work so that they are ready to make a new decision. One of the small things that Lis started to do at was 50 sit-ups very morning. It may seem a small step, but it was within her control and it started to make her feel better about herself.
It is the small steps that build confidence and slowly but surely Lis was able to speak up as she started to do new things and value herself. “It’s about learning and appreciating who you are and that you deserve better” she says. Only then can change happen.
You have to change your thought process and your mindset if you decide to leave. Then you start to find your voice and your language starts to change.
New responses
“Well actually that’s not how I see things.”
“That wasn’t my experience.”
“That didn’t happen.”
”That’s not my view of it.”
“I appreciate that’s what you believe but it’s not what I believe.”
New responses utimately lead to new behaviours and this is what helped Lis break free.
On supporting young people to be free of coercive control
Lis is passionate about supporting educators and young people to recognise and break the cycle of coercive control. She has developed a Coercive Control Curriculum for Secondary Schools in the UK and also run workshops on this topic.
“It’s so important that we have the language to communicate with young people effectively and that we speak to them in a way that they can trust how they feel.”
A confident young person will rely less on externals and this is the new earth that we are creating. A world of sovereign, self-directed people who are the leaders in their own life. People who are guided by the heart not the ego. This is the future.
Just imagine how powerful our young people can be in this expansion of consciousness if they understand who they are and their power. It’s time to light up what these young people have to offer.
I believe that it is the most abused people in our world who are the most authentically powerful. They have been to the heart of darkness and recovered their light. Nobody will ever take it again from them again. They shine the brightest in the world.
It is stories like Lis’s that have such a powerful ripple effect in the world. Her final words of advice are still ringing in my ears.
“Make choices and decisions that create peace in your heart.”
Some important takeaways
When we hit our rock bottom, there is no way out unless we decide that we want better for ourselves.
If you are in a controlling relationship, you must decide you deserve better as a human being.
Boundaries let people know how you want to be treated.
Always be guided by how you feel. Your gut instinct is everything.
If an emotion is coming up and you feel uncomfortable, it wants to come out and leave. This is good. You are levelling up to a more empowered version of you.
Set an intention every morning. “I’m open and ready to receive great opportunities.”
We’re here for expansion. We’re all connected. We’re energy beings.
We are here to remember that we are sovereign beings who are responsible for the thoughts we think, the energy we emit and the life we create.
We need to change the language and the way we speak about ourselv
***************
About Lis
Lis Hoyte is the Founder and CEO of Lis, Really? What? Coaching and Speaking LTD.
Lis started her career as a Youth Support Worker that supported young people with emotional and behavioural difficulties who resided in independent children’s homes.
From this, Lis then started her career teaching in both mainstream and independent schools covering both KS3 and KS4 at GCSE, specialising in Humanities, Health and Social Care and Psychology.
Lis holds a BA Honours in Sociology and Criminology and an MSc in Crime and Community Safety Evidence Based Practice (EBP).
Lis is a domestic abuse advocate for the voice of the child, a survivor of an 18-year relationship of Coercive Control, Facilitator of the VOICE Programme. Life Coach (Break Free Programme) and Mentor on Coercive Control and a Steering Committee Member for International Coercive Control Conference (ICCC).
Lis is an Expert Speaker in Coercive Control and has been involved in countless podcasts, spoken at the World Leadership Summit, been a member of the Women’s panel for WITIS (thought leaders in trauma-informed research and education internationally) and had the opportunity to Introduce both Senator Kasser and Senator Rubio at the first International Coercive Control Conference along with providing advice to listeners.
Lis is the Author of ‘Break Free’ (2021) which maps Lis’s transformational journey and paradigm shift out of her coercive controlling relationship which spanned nearly two decades. Lis’s second publication is called Co-parenting within Coercive Control a parents’ guide to helping and supporting their children (2022).
Lis is a CPD Accredited Trainer in Coercive Control specifically created to help and support Schools with the growing concerns of Coercive Control and its effects on young people, especially young girls in today’s society. Lis works with secondary schools on many areas of development and has created a Coercive Control Curriculum for Secondary Schools in the UK. Lis delivers Workshops for schools on Coercive Control and provides training opportunities within this field.
Lis’s most recent achievement has been co-authoring on the 262 Women’s empowerment project that was gifted at the Emmy Awards in LA on 15th September 2024.
Lis holds the vision that educating and supporting the next generation on Coercive Control is of utmost importance. Our Education System as a platform where this should take place is not only necessary, it is imperative.
***************
If you want to support my work as an author directly,
you can purchase “Gifts from the Devastation” Audio Book here:
https://ko-fi.com/s/9479ef0598
The book is narrated by me and it is 24 chapters and 8 hours long, filled with lots of practical content.
It is my story of awakening through the experience of cancer but is relevant to anyone on a journey of self-discovery or awakening path.
***************
Click on the link below to get a copy of my FREE guide - "6 signs you're getting a spiritual wake-up call" https://bit.ly/6signsofwake-upcall
More about my books: http://www.celineodonovan.com/project
Subsccribe to my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@celineodonovan
Get the new book from Mark Attwood and Abby Wynne "Weapons of Mass Protection". Donation based, so free if you can't afford it. https://oneohfour.samcart.com/referra...
Find out more about how you can monetise what's in your head and become financially sovereign. Click on the link to learn about this life-changing course. It's utterly changed mine in just a few short months: https://tmas.tv/celineodonovan
***************
Share this post